The Heart

The last season of life has been crazy. As I sit and reflect on how God has protected me as well as allowed certain scenarios to unfold before me, I cannot help but trust my innate belief that He is good. 

For some reason I've been writing poems. And by writing poems...they come in the early morning with a vengeance. If I don't get them out they will eat me alive. 

There is always an element of vulnerability with sharing something from your heart. My job as a worship leader to a large congregation has been stripping me of my fear to be authentic and transparent with others. 

Granted, I wear my heart on my sleeve. If you catch me at the right moment I develop a severe case of word vomit. Every other moment of the day my deep-rooted insecurity causes me to minimize what is truly happening. Either extreme is dangerous and robs me of joy.

Below is a piece of my heart. 

I am not going to explain what it means mainly because I don't really know myself. 

Concrete sequential thoughts run away 

Leaving unguarded hearts here to stay

Mind over matter 

My tongue calls it chatter

Bones inside flesh 

Reaching for death

Waiting beside while shadows surround

Beauty escapes as you waste to the ground 

Hiding behind certain lies and regret 

Desperately crying for just a moment

Split second of reality causing to peek

When they've seen inside your world, your eyes slowly leak 

Yearning for healing and not knowing how

Taking that first step, screaming not now 

Painful roads up ahead

They wind and they bend

Finding light among mines 

Where dark figures lie

You trust that it's right

So you stand up and fight

waiting with anticipation.

The last week or so life has handed me some interesting circumstances. Honestly, I've experienced every emotion possible. I've screamed into a pillow, cried myself to sleep, wanted to kick someone in the shins and sat with my head in my hands unsure of my ability to make a sound decision. I've been joyful and elated, honored and encouraged and so stressed that I wanted to throw up. 

Beyond that, my mind is racing. All hours of the day. Sleep doesn't come as easy and I've got attitude to prove it. 

The Lord is saying: 

GIVE IT TO ME.

And I'm saying {with alligator tears}:

HERE IS MY HEART.

Well...here's to letting go.

art.

My great friend Kathi Inglesby has inspired a project.

It's an art exercise. You take a blank paper or index card or whatever and create something.

Doesn't matter what you use. Just create something.

At first I was intimidated by it, knowing that I'm not a very 'out of the box' creative type. But a few of us gals are starting this project tomorrow. Since we are doing it together, it should be fun to see what comes from it. I plan on keeping updates at the the latest creation.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

Lamentations 3:21-26

oh, hello real world.

Well, I'm back in civilization. Complete with cell coverage and shorter trips to the grocery store. The good news is I haven't locked my keys in the car or waved at every car that passes by. Life outside the canyon is all about adjusting.

Reflecting on the last year and a half of my life it seems to have disappeared. Sort of an 'out of sight, out of mind' type of scenario. In some way the canyon is much like Narnia.

Anyway, I'll accept my award for the {worst blog updater on the planet} later in the year. But only after not posting anything new for another few months.

What is new in my life, you may ask?

Well, here goes. I left Washington Family Ranch (or the canyon as I often refer to it) a mere 3 days ago. My seasonal position was finished and it was time for me to leave. Even still, I knew that it was right. It was hard to leave some things but other things I bid farewell with a nice kick in the shins. The worst part was saying goodbye to people who have impacted my life in a major way.

Life outside the canyon is fast. You have so many more options. Options for food, gas, people, stores and television. It's almost as if everyone around you is moving in 'fast-forward' and you are stuck in the middle of a crowd.

I'll catch up eventually. I'll remember where my cell phone is and know exactly how to get somewhere I've been a million times before. The fast pace will become my pace soon enough. For the moment, I'm in the job market and looking to start bakery school as soon as I am able.

The ultimate dream? To own a night-time bakery complete with a stage for kids showcase their band. Canvas art on one wall and photography on the other. Couches that you can sink into and not one coffee mug will look like the other. Each night some group of kids can feel safe and at home with their friends or their young life leader. This is the kind of place that I wish existed.

Someday, it will.

insert witty title here.

my boss stuck me in a garbage can because i wouldn't give him the packing boxes that i verbally claimed earlier that morning.

the best part? the workcrew that were helping in the kitchen thought it was so funny that they all got their cameras.

all the workcrew were grown adults.

awesome.

sleep.

sleep.

these days, i don't really get any.

the worst thing is that my eyes will be shut as tightly as can be and i will whisper to myself, "ok, now fall asleep. ok, how about now. alright, fall soundly to sleep."

nothing.

in other news, only 42 days until my next address change.

who knows what will happen then. who knows.

this is a photo of how i feel about not getting any sleep.

because you can't have more than 1,000 characters on a facebook wall post.

dear mom. i know i didn't actually get to talk to you ON your birthday BUT i hope you loved the song on your voicemail.

just thought you should know that i love you.

you tell me all the time that i won't know a mother's love until i have children of my own...but i'm pretty sure that you have taught me what it means to be a mother.

you are humble, self-sacrificing and most of all compassionate.

you give wise counsel to me when i ask and even when i don't.

you shower me with gifts and letters (and somehow they are at the PERFECT moment).

you don't take me seriously.

you love me even when i don't take myself seriously.

you have a mother's intuition and take pity on me when i don't see the train wreck that is up ahead.

you give until there is nothing left. and then you give some more.

you are a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and most of all a woman who fervently and passionately seeks after the Lord.

know that you mean more to me than i could ever express and if i become half the woman you are...well, what more could a girl ask for then to become just like her mother. :)

happy birthday.

loves.